Hi Ho Silver Lining.

When I forget to blog you know that everythings going well. Not that I only blog about when things are shit but I think its very easy to have a wee rant over a blog. And sometimes its just all too busy to blog.

Its definitely been one of those times. March was crazy busy with work. Which was hard but really good. I like being challenged by my work. I like seeing participants enjoying projects and coming back for more. And I like looking round and thinking I did this.

And for some reason I'm not scared about it ending. I feel confident that funding will appear at the points that I need it. That for every knock back there'll be a positive. Thats the way its happened so far.

One funder said no to giving me £1000 and the next day another funder awarded me £10,000.

An awards agency said no to funding a piece of work I had an idea to create. A week later I was offered a place on a dream project where I get to explore and create and learn.

Theres always a silver lining and I'll always be on the look out for it.

Now would anyone like to make a donation?!

H x

A post about my hair not about my head

Bedhead is a good word.

Messy//sequins/up/hot mess///1992.

Bedhead

A reminder from Camp

Last post I was feeling shit. I didn't really understand why. But I was definitly overwhelmed by everything. Lifes hard sometimes and I think thats a good thing I really do. It doesn't feel good at the time obviously but its serves a purpose.

I spent time reading the emails that I sent to people when I was at camp. It reminded me of the relaxed, carefree H. Something in those emails helped my mood lift.

It also reminded me that some friends are for fun. You shouldn't pin hopes on them. They'll always let you down. But they will dance and drink and laugh with you. And thats ok.

And I'm happily spending time on my own again. I like it.

I'm getting there, I really am.

H x

Difficult, hard, trying, annoying...tick.

I am having a hard week. Actually I've had a very challenging few weeks.
Its one of those times when I don't feel like I'm in control of my emotions. I feel like everythings built up and hit me at force. Situations that I normally deal with objectively become personal again. Friends are choosing this time to be difficult. And there is work work work lots of work.

I'm annoyed because professionally this week should be a highlight for me and I'm not getting to enjoy it. I'm exhausted. I want to be able to look at these new projects and be proud of what I've created. Theres no time tho.

I had 3 hrs yesterday of almost worry free time. A perfect project. The Lomo project. I love it. I love the tutors, the young people, the concept, everything about it. A few wee outside worries crept in but for those three hours locked away in the studio I was genuinly enjoying myself. So much so I've decided to be a participant in the project. Wowowowo. I have homework. I hope I can squeeze it in.

Friends are a stress right now. Not all friends. Just some. Or two. I don't know. But I do know that I want to become independant again. When I think back to my happy wee routine before camp where I went swimming every day, had a smoothie in the cafe and then maybe did some work I was really happy. I think I'll recreate the swimming days. Its like another wee world in the pool, I like just being me and my thoughts.

Maybe I'll add it onto my to do list: time for me and my thoughts away from everyday stresses and difficult and emotionally trying friends. Tick.

H x

If God is a DJ... Life is a dancefloor.

When I'm wearing headphones the music is in my head.

Its nowhere else. Its a weird thought.

Almost like the soundtrack to my life.

I like it.

H x

In my head tonight

Reinvention//reinvent//invent//spell wrong.

Artist=theatre maker=artist=inventor=artist=me=artist=you

entering a whole new world but still one foot in the old one. Always. Always. Its not a comfort thing its a reality.

Installation or winging it. Winging it is ArT. Doing funny things on the keyboard is art.

Innit

Eh>

Aye.

Inspiration. Installation.

Thoughts.

Yes pLease.

H x

Review of the year 09

The best bits about 2009 were:

The birth of Creative Electric. So many amazing moments including the very first workshop, the first Electric Youth Theatre show, Glasgow Subway Festival, Electric Burlesque, The Fringe, our very first big funding, youth gigs, being accepted to work on the National Theatre of Scotland Exchange 2010 and generally just being able to make my own choices about the direction of my company and the work I want to do.

Camp: a summer of no responsibilities and making new friends. Never having to make a decision. Getting ridiculously drunk on a saturday night and running around like a student again. Trying out new art forms. Making people laugh. Making myself laugh. The Lezzas. Flower of Scotland Disco Remix. Florida and New York after camp. And knowing that while it wasn't perfect it was the summer that I needed.

Candy Cakes Weekend: the most relaxed weekend where all Lyndsey and I did was eat candy cakes, hang out in the hotel pool and eat more candy cakes. We also got our make up done and celebrated by eating more candy cakes. Perfect.

Making new friends and rediscovering old ones: I think with the new me came a new more relaxed attitude to friendship. I still have the same high standards and still won't stand for a potato but I don't sweat the small stuff and may even think before flipping my shit now and again. Wow those last two sentances sound like 80's american throwback and I love them!
So yeah Katie and I rediscovered our friendship. We met in the middle, I am more relaxed and in Katies words she is less shambolic.
I started a lovely friendship with Rob and am very excited about creating work and memories with him.
And I met Kirbey, Lezza, my favourite person from camp who I love because she accepts me for who I am and just like me isn't afraid to speak her mind. The lezzas are quite a formidable team, I wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of us!
And last but not least Gilly, who is the perfect mix of little sister and good friend. She was my room mate this summer and we now speak every day. Some of my favourite summer memories are with Gilly, I'll always hold a special place in my heart for Mudhut Mudhut Spear dancing!
I think the most important lesson I learnt from all of my friends old and new is that they like me for me and I don't need to be funnier or cooler or whatever because fuck it I already am!

Babies: not mine of course but the cousins have gone baby crazy and I love them all. Charlie,Sadie, Amelia, Joe and Harry all amazing little people. I love hanging out with them but I also love that they made me realise that I have a lot I want to do before I become a Mum. I think they're part of the reason I'm pushing so hard for Creative Electric and my own art. Cheers babies!

I'm excited for this new year. Excited to carry on being me. To create art and theatre and life. To make new friends, develop my exisiting friendships and not be afriad to throw the potatoes out of the shopping bag. Excited to make mistakes and learn from them. Excited to go to new places. Excited to hide away in my room and indulge in a spot of facebook stalking. Excited to blow a months food budget on a dress. Excited to see the babies grow and learn new things. Excited to be excited again... Happy 2010, its going to be our year.

H x

Sick but happy.

I have a chest infection.
I have my period.
I haven't slept properly the last few nights.
I have a headache that won't shift.
I can't get my head round work.

But I'm surprisingly not too stressed.

A little grumpy yes. And definitly irritable. But not too stressed.

This time last year I would've been freaking. I like that I'm calmer these days.

I spent this afternoon working on the proposal for the piece of work that I wanted to create with Rob. He agreed to it the other day. Surprised me on the bus by being like so you know that idea you had... I'm excited and really hope that we manage to get a residency to explore it.

I also had a really good masterclass with the nts yesterday. It was on contemporary theatre practice which is something thats really interesting me at the moment. And its something that I feel I have the ability and confidence to do. This time last year or even a few months ago I don't know if I could have. Its funny how life and circumstances impacts on your confidence and self esteem.

Part of me almost wants to go and do some study again. Or at least have longer in the workshops and skill ups that I've been doing. I've been getting so much out of them, I'm enjoying learning and feel that its reaffirming my own practice. I want more workshops, maybe one a week please?

I'm excited to see whats next....

H x

Definitly not smelling of pee...

Today I was standing at the bus stop when this auld boy came up and started singing All the Single Ladies to all the auld dears at the bus stop. Legend. Bet he was well smooth in his day. Actually I reckon he's still got it.

I want to be proper crazy when I'm old. Or maybe not crazy in my own head but able to get away with lots of eccentric behaviour. I reckon I'll still be wearing faux fur and sequins and hangin out with my gays. Maybe I'll run some sort of gay tea dance that plays Lady Gaga.

I love when people know that because they are old or mentally ill that crazy behaviour is expected of them. So they're like fuck it better live up to the expectations. There was this woman who was in hospital with my Mum years ago who used to go down to Iceland everyday and eat packets of ham and take the lids of tubs of icecream and lick the icecream. Iceland would have to call the Royal Ed and be like Luna's back, goin come get her, she's lickin the icecream again! I loved her. Definitly reckon she knew what she was up to.

And I really like that lady who drinks in the port who used to dance at the bus stop and would shout 'phone cunt!' at me whenever she saw me on my mobile. And Cowboy Joe 'bang bang money for the whiskey', white face lady and hiyaaaa whats your name girl. Leith has loads of good crazies and I reckon thats what makes it such a fantastic place to live. Its a real community place and we're pretty protective of our crazies, theres facebook sites dedicated to cowboy joe and people get generally worried if they've not seen him out for a while.

So I guess my point is that in my book eccentric behaviour makes you lovable and definitly more interesting. But only genuinly cool eccentric behaviour not hideous, high school drama teacher eccentric. And I think to be genuinly cool eccentric you have to be age 60+. I can't fucking wait!

So who's up for licking some icecream tubs?

H x

Worried about Lorraine

I saw a top tip on Lorraine Kelly this morning.

Now to give you some background I adore Lorraine Kelly. I have her autobiography and her self help book. I like her because she is proper scottish, doesn't have any pretensions just cos she's 'off the telly' and once spent an entire live interview with Will Young planning a night out with him. I even tuned into River City to see her stealing half of a wedding buffet by slipping it into her handbag.

However I fear this love affair may be on shakey ground..

A viewer wrote in to say that they have trouble keeping slingback shoes on their feet. Mark Hayes fashion 'experts' tip was to use CLEAR BRA STRAPS to keep them on! I am outraged.

1, Clear bra straps are not invisible, everyone can see them and if they are a normal, fashion conscious person they'll be laughing at you for wearing them

and

2, as my friend Katie pointed out nobody should be wearing slingbacks anyway.

How he calls himself a fashion expert I'll never know But how can Lorraine smile and agree with him that this is infact the best solution to the problem? Lorraine I'm disapointed. Surely the sensible option would be to invite this poor, deluded slingback wearing woman onto the show and give her a makeover?

Please Lorraine, have a word. And tell Mark to get out of Primark, the polyester fumes are obviously effecting his brain.*

*I'd like to say that I normally quite like Mark and I'm not a snob I just really hate clear bra straps.

H x

Blaaaaaa

Why do mens brains work so differently from ours?

FRUSTRATED!

And what makes it worse is he's gay so I don't even get sex as a consolation prize for his annoying male behaviour.

As my friend Gilly would say 'Selfish. Man. Dick. Need minstrels.'

H x

Scared to create. Terrified not to.

I have in my mind a piece of theatre I want to create. I would like to work with a good friend of mine to explore his reactions to grief and his relationship with his lost one. He is a dancer and choreographer and I reckon that together we could create a beautiful piece of verbatim dance theatre.

He had a wonderful relationship with his Grandmother and when he talks of her his face lights up and theres something in him thats hard to describe. Its something old or ageless or... its not often I struggle to describe something but I am now. I guess you just have to see it and that is why I want to put it on the stage, or in a studio, or to bring an audience into her living room.

He's scared tho. I'm scared too.

He is scared of opening up and his feelings tumbling out and never stopping. He's scared of feeling too much. Of being too upset.

I'm scared of not doing his story justice. Of being judged. Of failing.

He's scared to express. I'm scared about what'll happen if he doesn't one day.

We really need to get over these fears, stop eating cake and book a studio.

I don't know how to broach it with him tho. I asked him before and he said he wasn't ready. I think if I don't push him he'll never be ready. I know I must respect him and wait. Its hard, I'm not a patient person.

Is it wrong to send him this blog?

Where are they now?

Today its all about jumpers and couches....

I was at my first masterclass for the NTS exchange project today. It was exploring techniques for devising theatre and was led by Vicky Featherstone, the artistic director of NTS. I got a lot out of it and as always was amazed at the Electric Kids and how they're not afraid to put themselves out there. They're also not afraid to dislike something and are quite vocal about it which quite often gets them in trouble. I encourage it though. I think its important to be honest.

At one point today we had to work in small groups to devise an exercise that devised theatre could be created from. We created an exercise where the participants were lost objects desperate to get down the back of the couch to the lost object institution. But first they had to be interviewed by the couches receptionists who decided whether they could enter or not. Participants could be objects, x factor rejects, thoughts, anything they wanted. It resulted in the most fabulously, ridiculously fun exercise. I loved it! I'll definitly be visiting the couch soon...

I've been lovin jumpers today. I had my stag one on, Chloe had a panda one, there was a girl with a really good one from the jewish market. Its a good word, the more you say it the funnier it gets. Or it did for us today. Jumper jumper jumper.... couch!

H x

One year on...

Oooh look I have a blog that I totally forgot about!

Its weird to think that I was writing this blog at a really difficult point in my life. Its a year since it all started and I like to think that I'm a very different girl from the one who first started this blog. I love that I knew I needed to find a way of making myself feel better so I prescribed myself a gay club! In all seriousness partying at difficult points in your life can be dangerous for some people but I guess for me it was the distraction I needed.

So a year on I'm definitly happier, confident, have a lot of new friends and a lot less potatoes. I'm beginning to think of myself as an artist again and when people ask me to describe my art I say I create theatre with real people. I feel so passionate about verbatim theatre and I am happy to take little steps into creating this work. I'm definitly not into making a big explosion with my work, its not to say that I'm not confident about what I do but I really dislike a lot of the arrogant theatre makers that are about just now. I get myself into trouble by not bowing down to the right people or not joining the right cliques but its really not what its about for me. Saying all that I do network, honest. I just don't do the holidays with the very incestuous group that I shouldn't really name here.

*I just read that last paragraph back and thinking about it they're not even necessary the 'right' people. They're certainly not right for me.

My friend Katie has been blogging which I guess is what reminded me of this wee effort. I was so proud when I read her blog, she has grown into a lovely, very witty writer. I don't pretend to be an expert on writing but I know what I like and I like Katie's blog. She's moved to London and I think reading her blog once in a while will give me the dose of her that I need every so often.
I've watched Katie grow up over the six years we've been friends, she's been through some of the most challenging life situations and is still always very positive. Its something I decided I needed to learn from her. I think to live like Katie Starlight is no bad thing...

I think a big influence on the carefree H was camp this summer. There were aspects that definitly stressed me and there were times I hated it but 3 months of no responsibilities was a first for me and I loved it! I liked that I lost the ability to make decisions. If you know me you'll know that this is a very strange thing for me to say. The biggest decision you ever had to make was icecream or cake? My room mate and I normally did both, you know just to be on the safe side. There was even the famous four cake day that caused a facebook outrage amongst my family.

So theatre, cake, camp and dancing... I'm happy.

H x

Mouse Alert.

Not blogged for ages. There was a mouse in my flat so I had to move. It was all very traumatic.
And now I'm a serious victim of the credit crunch. Actually I'm not. I'm just a serious victim of having no job. I've signed on, for the first time in my life and I hate it. Didn't get off to the best start, was running late so I got a taxi to the job centre. Had to get it to drop me around the corner, doesn't look so good getting a taxi to sign on.

But things are getting better. I have an interview for a contract that I really want. Don't want to say to much about it incase I jinx it. I also have some taster sessions in the pipeline and I'm going to work at a performing arts camp in connecticut over the summer. So things are definitly getting there.

And I'm writing proposals. Not done it for ages but hoping someone will pick it up and think thats what we want. So keep your fingers crossed for creative electric.

I joined twitter. Not sure about it yet. Think its only going to be fun if loads of people you know twitter too. But I liked the story about Philip Schofield thinking he broke twitter. I liked Philip Schofield skiving work cos of the snow as well. Actually I really like Philip Schofield, I just wish he wasn't so orange. Orange skin and grey hair don't work. Sorry Philip.

Maybe I'll blog again later. I like blogging. Blogging and Philip Schofield.

H x

New Years Resolutions.

A little late but I've had them in my head.

1, to stop getting take aways. Even tho dominoes put a really good flyer through my door this morning.

2, to be more organised with food so that theres enough in the house for breakfast, lunch and tea everyday. So that 1 I don't think that 3 packs of crisps and a wispa is an acceptable tea and two I don't break resolution number 1.

3, to make soup again. Regularly. I like making soup, it gives me a sense of achievement. I just don't like cleaning it up afterwards.

4, to go with my instincts. I should write a blog about this later.

5, to walk more, taxi less.

6, to not feel that I need to buy something everytime I go into topshop. And to definitly not feel upset when I don't. Actually maybe I shouldn't shop every week.

7, to stay patient with my mum. Sometimes I get frustrated with her and then upset with myself. So patience will stop that.

8, to have more fun and not feel that I should start growing up. I'm 27, plenty of time for that later...

H x

Step one in reclaiming the crown.

In the aim to reclaim my crown I took a job at a local club. Just a few hours a week and from what I can gather it basically involves drinking. Excellent, I'm almost overqualified.
In all seriousness, I go round the local gay bars with two of the boys, chatting to people and recommending they come to our club. Lots of the bars give us cheap drinks and some give us them for free. Sometimes we dance. Sometimes we sing kareoke. And sometimes it all goes wrong.
Like the night when the manager of the 'desert' bar gave the boys free aftershock all night so when I met them back at the club they were an hour late, hadn't handed out any free passes and were struggling to speak.
Or the night when 'Carmel' got so smashed when selling shots that he stripped off, started dancing and forgot where he left the money.
Or the night when there was a mass brawl at the 'desert' bar that ended in a lesbian being fired through the window! Altho I was told this was a standard night there. Did anyone hear about the night when some mad bitch turned up with a machete?!
Or the night when I sent this text...

Omg most mental night at *** yet-got in a fight with T**** *****, got wrecked, introduce man looking for ching to off duty policeman, bouncers get attacked twice, fire alarm goes off so we all have to evacuate, I am so drunk that the fire engine door nearly hits me on the head but I get rescued by lovely, get in a fight with a lesbian who chucks a drink down me so I smack her & then she apologises & buys me drinks,I win ALL the furburger prizes for best dressed including the lesbian christmas tree, I drink too many shots and have now been sitting on the toilet for 20 mins trying to write this text! Love u xxx

Oh dear.

I love my new job! Its nice to have no responsabilities for a while. Although I promise this isn't forever.

H x

So here it is... MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Christmas highlights:

Dancing in cc's til 4.30am when I only went out for a quiet drink.

Having the girls round for cocktails.

Watching the babies eating wrapping paper instead of opening their presents!

Having five christmas tree's in the flat, one of them is a lesbian. I'm all about equality for christmas trees.

Winning the christmas quiz by half a point- 'get it up yae!'

Presents Presents Presents!

Profiteroles.

Christmas soaps. I'm talking eastenders not bodyshop.

Lindt chocolate in every shape and form. Santa? Check. Snowman? Check. Reindeer? Check. Bell? Check.

Waking up still hammered and singing christmas songs in bed, to myself. 'We wish you a merry christmas...'

Buying three party dresses from urban outfitters. All of them black. You know just incase.

Christmas Lowlights:

Hangovers

People who want to argue when drunk. Its christmas, leave your shit at the door.

No-one getting their christmas cards cos Jessops didn't deliver the photos in time.

Christmas flu. Clearly brought on by too much wine and not enough sleep.

Lack of christmas films. Its christmas, I have flu, I want to watch shit on tv and eat chocolate. Is that really too much to ask?!

Amy not being Seans baby, in eastenders of course. I'm gutted, he was trying so hard and being so lovely and its all gone wrong. I know its not real but my god I LOVE eastenders!


I heart christmas!

H x

Charlie

My godsons in hospital. He's only 8 months. I don't like it.

Sending lots of love...

H x

Strollin' like a Santa.

Yesterday L Dawg and I took part in the Santa Stroll around the city to raise funds for local childrens charities. I have to say we were totally unprepared, our training involved getting to bed at 4am the night before and then spending the morning working out which low cut top would look best under the santa suit. Standard behaviour for LDawg and Hboss. We blagged some sponsership from friends, all of whom asked how far we'd be walking? The response-no idea but we get to wear santa suits and get pissed at the end!

So we arrived, paid our registration fee, donned our santa suits and joined the hundreds of other santas. I have to say it has to be one of the most surreal experiences of my life. Looking around and seeing so many other santas in different shapes and forms-fat santa, thin santa, wheelchair santa, snogging santas, dog santa, toddler santa and really annoying aerobic instructor santa! Amazing!

Still with no idea how far we were meant to be walking L Dawg and I set off, determined to keep up a brisk pace while constantly pulling up our one size fits all santa trousers. LDawg ripped her trousers at the crotch. I contemplated flashing for the paparazzi. We waved at the trains that went past. Joined in the mexican wave. Sang jingle bells. Laughed at the girl who was spewing and couldn't hack it. And suddenly it was over. LDawg and I completed the santa stroll in 30 mins and congratulating ourselves on how superfit we were we headed straight to the pub.

On contemplation it was a walk for kids. But shhhh we loved it!

H x