Hi Ho Silver Lining.

When I forget to blog you know that everythings going well. Not that I only blog about when things are shit but I think its very easy to have a wee rant over a blog. And sometimes its just all too busy to blog.

Its definitely been one of those times. March was crazy busy with work. Which was hard but really good. I like being challenged by my work. I like seeing participants enjoying projects and coming back for more. And I like looking round and thinking I did this.

And for some reason I'm not scared about it ending. I feel confident that funding will appear at the points that I need it. That for every knock back there'll be a positive. Thats the way its happened so far.

One funder said no to giving me £1000 and the next day another funder awarded me £10,000.

An awards agency said no to funding a piece of work I had an idea to create. A week later I was offered a place on a dream project where I get to explore and create and learn.

Theres always a silver lining and I'll always be on the look out for it.

Now would anyone like to make a donation?!

H x

A post about my hair not about my head

Bedhead is a good word.

Messy//sequins/up/hot mess///1992.

Bedhead

A reminder from Camp

Last post I was feeling shit. I didn't really understand why. But I was definitly overwhelmed by everything. Lifes hard sometimes and I think thats a good thing I really do. It doesn't feel good at the time obviously but its serves a purpose.

I spent time reading the emails that I sent to people when I was at camp. It reminded me of the relaxed, carefree H. Something in those emails helped my mood lift.

It also reminded me that some friends are for fun. You shouldn't pin hopes on them. They'll always let you down. But they will dance and drink and laugh with you. And thats ok.

And I'm happily spending time on my own again. I like it.

I'm getting there, I really am.

H x

Difficult, hard, trying, annoying...tick.

I am having a hard week. Actually I've had a very challenging few weeks.
Its one of those times when I don't feel like I'm in control of my emotions. I feel like everythings built up and hit me at force. Situations that I normally deal with objectively become personal again. Friends are choosing this time to be difficult. And there is work work work lots of work.

I'm annoyed because professionally this week should be a highlight for me and I'm not getting to enjoy it. I'm exhausted. I want to be able to look at these new projects and be proud of what I've created. Theres no time tho.

I had 3 hrs yesterday of almost worry free time. A perfect project. The Lomo project. I love it. I love the tutors, the young people, the concept, everything about it. A few wee outside worries crept in but for those three hours locked away in the studio I was genuinly enjoying myself. So much so I've decided to be a participant in the project. Wowowowo. I have homework. I hope I can squeeze it in.

Friends are a stress right now. Not all friends. Just some. Or two. I don't know. But I do know that I want to become independant again. When I think back to my happy wee routine before camp where I went swimming every day, had a smoothie in the cafe and then maybe did some work I was really happy. I think I'll recreate the swimming days. Its like another wee world in the pool, I like just being me and my thoughts.

Maybe I'll add it onto my to do list: time for me and my thoughts away from everyday stresses and difficult and emotionally trying friends. Tick.

H x

If God is a DJ... Life is a dancefloor.

When I'm wearing headphones the music is in my head.

Its nowhere else. Its a weird thought.

Almost like the soundtrack to my life.

I like it.

H x

In my head tonight

Reinvention//reinvent//invent//spell wrong.

Artist=theatre maker=artist=inventor=artist=me=artist=you

entering a whole new world but still one foot in the old one. Always. Always. Its not a comfort thing its a reality.

Installation or winging it. Winging it is ArT. Doing funny things on the keyboard is art.

Innit

Eh>

Aye.

Inspiration. Installation.

Thoughts.

Yes pLease.

H x

Review of the year 09

The best bits about 2009 were:

The birth of Creative Electric. So many amazing moments including the very first workshop, the first Electric Youth Theatre show, Glasgow Subway Festival, Electric Burlesque, The Fringe, our very first big funding, youth gigs, being accepted to work on the National Theatre of Scotland Exchange 2010 and generally just being able to make my own choices about the direction of my company and the work I want to do.

Camp: a summer of no responsibilities and making new friends. Never having to make a decision. Getting ridiculously drunk on a saturday night and running around like a student again. Trying out new art forms. Making people laugh. Making myself laugh. The Lezzas. Flower of Scotland Disco Remix. Florida and New York after camp. And knowing that while it wasn't perfect it was the summer that I needed.

Candy Cakes Weekend: the most relaxed weekend where all Lyndsey and I did was eat candy cakes, hang out in the hotel pool and eat more candy cakes. We also got our make up done and celebrated by eating more candy cakes. Perfect.

Making new friends and rediscovering old ones: I think with the new me came a new more relaxed attitude to friendship. I still have the same high standards and still won't stand for a potato but I don't sweat the small stuff and may even think before flipping my shit now and again. Wow those last two sentances sound like 80's american throwback and I love them!
So yeah Katie and I rediscovered our friendship. We met in the middle, I am more relaxed and in Katies words she is less shambolic.
I started a lovely friendship with Rob and am very excited about creating work and memories with him.
And I met Kirbey, Lezza, my favourite person from camp who I love because she accepts me for who I am and just like me isn't afraid to speak her mind. The lezzas are quite a formidable team, I wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of us!
And last but not least Gilly, who is the perfect mix of little sister and good friend. She was my room mate this summer and we now speak every day. Some of my favourite summer memories are with Gilly, I'll always hold a special place in my heart for Mudhut Mudhut Spear dancing!
I think the most important lesson I learnt from all of my friends old and new is that they like me for me and I don't need to be funnier or cooler or whatever because fuck it I already am!

Babies: not mine of course but the cousins have gone baby crazy and I love them all. Charlie,Sadie, Amelia, Joe and Harry all amazing little people. I love hanging out with them but I also love that they made me realise that I have a lot I want to do before I become a Mum. I think they're part of the reason I'm pushing so hard for Creative Electric and my own art. Cheers babies!

I'm excited for this new year. Excited to carry on being me. To create art and theatre and life. To make new friends, develop my exisiting friendships and not be afriad to throw the potatoes out of the shopping bag. Excited to make mistakes and learn from them. Excited to go to new places. Excited to hide away in my room and indulge in a spot of facebook stalking. Excited to blow a months food budget on a dress. Excited to see the babies grow and learn new things. Excited to be excited again... Happy 2010, its going to be our year.

H x